Forgiveness

As the month of May comes to a close I am reflecting on the many blessings and challenges this month has brought into my life. Dormant inside me has lied a deep mother wound that has been nipping at my psyche for the longest time. “Deal with me now” it says, as I reach for the corn chips or chocolate to soothe my broken heart. I will admit, I am prideful. Not quick to forgive, much less forget. I feel the hurt inflicted by others to the umpteenth level. Revenge feels like the quickest solution. I must sound like a monster. I’m really not. I just feel everything deeply. Love, trust, acceptance, grief, deceit, rejection.

My mom and I have a history of being dysfunctional in our relationship. Our bond was damaged in childhood. She was lost in herself, understandably so. One day I will share more… She was a good homemaker although she worked full time as a maid outside the home. All her meals were homemade, and she kept the home tidy and sparkly clean. She had mood swings that were erratic, and violent at times. I remember feeling terrified of her. I was far from ever trusting her as a girl. I felt lost, had no one to turn to. I became rebellious, and made many poor choices as a result. Our relationship had been strained for as long as I can remember as an adult.

This month I was called to invite her to my home for a visit on Mother’s Day. She accepted after some hesitation. I believe her hesitation stemmed from our pattern of love/hate when we’re around each other for more than a day or so. She lives out-of-state so travel arrangements had to be made, and we had to agree on a reasonable length of stay. Four days it was. I cooked a salmon dinner the day she arrived as a show of my affection, and gratitude to her accepting my invitation. I’d had a yearning for deep connection, and unconditional love from my mom. My goal of this visit was just that, to deeply connect and for her to love me for who I am and for me to love her for who she is.

We had our share of memorable moments on the visit. One in particular was probably my fav… We went to the movies for the first time ever as adult women! POMS was playing and seemed fitting so that was our pick. It turned out to be a perfect fit as we each identified with the characters in some way. My mom has lived in the USA for 50 years however Spanish is still her first language. I asked her if she had understood, and enjoyed the movie. Her reply was yes and yes! I was overjoyed! I felt triumphant! Finally success in one part of our relationship. The day was magical!

The visit wasn’t perfect. We had our ups and downs. Lots of growth yet for both of us. Overall, I am grateful to have had such an opportunity to accept and forgive her. I made progress. After all, it’s all about the journey right?

Much love,

Beatriz

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